Author: Heather Aronson

  • New Year, New Work

    Happy Finish Eating the Almond Roca and Ribbon Candy Before it Goes Stale Time, My Dear Old Friends! I have some exciting news: ignoring this blog has finally paid off! I got an actual short story published in an actual literary journal! It took a couple of decades to get back to that place in […]

  • Caveat Emptynest

    Mother, beware. That day you longed for is finally here: that day when you load up the car with matching sheets and fairy lights and compact refrigerators and the last of your children and then kick it over the side of your warren of twigs and hope that it will fly or something; I don’t […]

  • The ASS in the HAT

    “This will never be fine. This will not be okay,” I said to my spouse On that cold, cold wet day. We sat at the rally. We sat there, we two. And I said, “How I wish this election weren’t true!” Too lame, the recount! And too late to recall! We were stuck with this louse. […]

  • I’m Just Waiting for the Swelling to Go Down

    Yesterday, I looked up from my computer to my window on the driveway and found myself, once again, hurtling out the door to stalk a red-headed man who was walking down my street. I did this with no conscious plan of what I might do if I caught him. I did not think to take […]

  • Bucket List

    Switch cleansers (poss. try “7th Generation” (?) b/c more eco-friendly; also, Mr. Clean likely source of rash). Deep Web search “Liza,Dear” for poss. defense witness w/r/t Bucket v DearGeorgie defamation suit. Saul: Def. “hole” too broad? Ask Cats & Dogs switch wknds in June (Cousin Pail wedding; 15th? Check evite). Urban Dictionary user-generated ala Wiki? […]

  • What Do We Gain? An Alphabetical Primer for the Rapidly Ageing

    Last week, my youngest child (a girl with mid-length, straightish hair; her name maybe starts with an S?) came to me seeking wisdom. Of course, I was deeply touched: despite my vast base of knowledge about world capitals and the lyrics of any Paul Simon song, my children seldom approach me for information other than […]

  • Major Tom

    I have a song in my iTunes playlist that I never listen to. In fact, as soon as it comes on (or as soon as I’m aware that it’s come on; there is a deceptive moment of what appears to be silence at its beginning that lulls me into a false sense of security), I […]

  • A Visit from St. Mishegas

    ‘Twas the fifth night of Hanukkah, when all through the house Came the faint sound of beeping (heard not by my spouse Who, though totally youthful–attractive, endearing– Has grown just a wee bit–okay, a lot–hard of hearing).   The teen had been nestled atop of her bed With laptop and iPhone and “homework” (she said), While […]

  • The Eight Nights Of Online Shopukkah

    On the first night of Hanukkah, my mother gave to me Nothing, because the gift she’d ordered was from an artist on Etsy.   On the second night of Hanukkah, my mother gave to me Two bags of gelt, because the gift she ordered on Cyber Monday Hadn’t shipped by Hanukkah Sunday Nor had the […]

  • 15 Mid-Life Horror Stories

    Happy Halloween, Witchez! We here at Meanopause are celebrating this special holiday by handing out stories instead of candy (because we ate all the candy)! But we only have enough for 15 lucky trick-or-treaters, so hurry up and get yours before we turn off the porch lights and drink in the dark while we pretend we’re […]