The ASS in the HAT

“This will never be fine.

This will not be okay,”

I said to my spouse

On that cold, cold wet day.

We sat at the rally.

We sat there, we two.

And I said, “How I wish

this election weren’t true!”

Too lame, the recount!

And too late to recall!

We were stuck with this louse.

We could do nothing at all!

And all we could say was just

“Shit!”

“Shit!”

“Shit!”

“Shit!”

Because we did not like him!

Not one little bit.

 

And then

Someone said, “President.” And also: “TRUMP!”

How those words, put together,

Made the two of us jump!

 

We looked!

And we saw him!

So orange and so matte!

We looked!

And we saw him!

The Ass in the Hat!

And he said to us,

“You are not tens. You are fat!”

 

He stood there, the Ass,

His left hand on a book!

He stood there and raised his right hand.

And we shook!

 

Then he swore like no president

Had previously sworn.

He swore in third person,

His voice full of scorn!

“Trump,” said the Ass,

“Doth solemnly swear

That he can do what he wants

When he wants to. So there!”

 

Then he threw down the Bible

And turned to the Press.

“Trump will sue you for libel

If you print this address!”

 

Then he stepped on the Bible

To climb up on a ball!

And he spoke like one

Unused to speaking. At all!

“I have the best generals.

My plan is bigly! It’s YUGE!

It is unpresidented!”

He spoke like a stooge.

 

“Have no fear,” said the Ass.

“We’ll repeal and replace!

Healthcare is disgusting!

Healthcare’s a disgrace!

We’ll replace it with nothing.

That’s my plan; ain’t it ace?”

 

“He should not be here!”

Said some guy, smoking pot.

“He should not be here

When Obama is not!”

 

“Now! Now! Have no fear.

Have no fear!” said the Ass.

“I will drain all the swamps!

I will show you my tax!

I will show you my tax

While I stand on this ball!

And bring back your coal jobs!

And build a great wall!”

 

Then the Ass in the Hat

Grabbed the guy with the pot!

“You think that’s still legal?”

Said the Ass. “I think not!

And forget your gay wedding.

Take a look at my hat!

To make America great

We just cannot have that!”

 

“Put me down!” said the guy with the pot.

“Go away!

I do not like your plans!

I do not want to play!

You should not be here

When Obama is not!

We had hope! We had change!

And now look what we got!”

 

“Yes, look at me! Look at me!

Look at me now!

I can grab this pot smoker

While I stand on this ball!

But that is not all I can grab.

Not at all!

I can grab this pot smoker

While I dance the Watusi!

I can grab women’s rights!

Grab ‘em right by the pussy!

I can grab education

And take it away!

And affordable housing!

And art funding! Hooray!

And what will be left

When I’ve taken it all?”

Said the Ass in the Hat

As he danced on the ball.

“A lot of great stuff.

Really great, you’re darn tootin’.

Like more hate and more guns

And my good friend, Vlad Putin!

And more money for me.

More money for Trump!”

Said the Ass, with great glee.

Then he came down! With a THUMP!

 

And the guy came down, too.

He fell down, with his pot!

And he said, “Do I like this?

Oh no, I do not!”

He patted his jacket

And from it he pulled

An old piece of paper–

An ink-covered scroll!

“Now look what you did!

Look at this Constitution!

You broke it. In pieces!

You must make restitution!”

 

And the Ass? Well, he laughed

As he rose from the ground.

“Listen. Believe me.

I did not fall down.

I did not fall down

So I won’t fix a thing.

Now shut up and listen

While my nobodies sing!

They’ll sing you some songs

That nobody likes!

They’ll sing one. They’ll sing two!

That Yellow Ribbon song? (Yikes!)

And then you’ll go home.

You’ll go home, all you chumps!

Back to your houses!

Well, except for us Trumps.

Trumps don’t need houses.

Trumps live in hotels.

Sometimes with their spouses.

So you can all go to hell.”

 

“And that’s my address,”

Said the Ass. “Now it’s done.

I’ll do what I want, when I want.

‘Cause I won.”

 

Then he tipped his hat.

But as he turned to leave,

The guy with the pot

Grabbed the Ass, by the sleeve!

“Wait!” said the guy.

“I still have one question!

What could we have done

To prevent your election?”

 

“What could you have done?”

The Ass flipped his weird hair.

Then he winked. “Nyet, hon.”

And the Ass wasn’t there.

 

But I turned to my spouse

And he to me, at the rally.

And each person to the next.

Friend to friend. Pal to pally.

We turned to each other,

And to the guy smoking pot,

Asking what we could do

That, last time, we did not.

We asked and we asked

And we asked all the same!

And we cried: Who’s to blame?

Who’s to blame?

Who’s to blame?

 

But nobody answered.

Not one of us knew.

What should we have done?

I am asking you.

 

I’m asking because—

All things being equal—

“The ASS in the HAT Comes Back”

would be a terrible sequel.

About Heather Aronson

Heather Aronson is a freelance writer and editor. She earned her MFA in Creative Writing from the University of Arizona way back in the 1980s and has put it to scant use ever since, publishing a few short stories in now-defunct magazines (including American Short Fiction) and storing a handful of novels in now-defunct boxes. She lives in Pittsburgh, PA, in a new house with some of her children, her new husband, and a bunch of old stuff that totally doesn’t go together. Especially the cow creamers.

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