Hello and Happy New Year from the corporate offices of Meanopause™, here on the icy banks of the River of Trucks that are Always Blocking my Driveway!

We hope you’ve had a very happy holiday, and that you weren’t too inconvenienced by our recent outages. We’ll be up and running weekly again by the end of the month, but first we wanted to tell you about some exciting new changes we’ll be rolling out at Meanopause™ in 2015, including the following:

–adjustments to our Privacy Policy;

–the purchase of our seventh (7^th!) couch (we’re thinking fuchsia, or maybe magenta);

–some restructuring of personnel (I’m lookin’ at you, Expo Fairy, along with whoever it was who left half a muffin in the giant tupperware container on the counter);

–a shift in product focus from wedding dress to college applications;

–and, best of all, the opening of a brand-new franchise outlet on Tumblerrr (Tumbllr? Tumbrrr?), along with a brand-new emphasis on youth culture and all it entails (including a switch from R.E.M. to Taylor Swift songs for our hold music)!

That’s right, bitchez, Meanopause is shifting from freak to fleak (or maybe fleek? Our intern is taking an Algebra final, so we’re not really sure)!

What does this mean for you, our “audience”?

First of all, over the next few weeks, you can expect to see up to 50% less rhyming, as well as the complete elimination of dairy milk in our chocolate coating!

Also, we’ve gone paperless–

(Text. Sorry. Hang on.)

Anyway, so: also, we’ve gone paperless! In the bathroom! So you’re probably gonna wanna swing by Target before you visit the corporate office (and maybe pick up some Conversation Hearts or something, because the Christmas ribbon candy is all fused to the Hanukkah plate).

In addition, there will be sweeping changes to our shotgun policy, which will shift from a “turn” system to more of a meritocracy, in that it will reward best hair or outfit days.

We have created a list of words and phrases that are no longer acceptable in the workplace, including “chores,” “smoochy-smoochy,” and “where are my keys,” and will soon be instituting a cost-of-living increase to our allowance that more accurately reflects the price of thrice-weekly bubble teas and pumpkin lattes.

Finally, we’ll be tweaking our logo so that it is more in keeping with our youthful image.

Thanks for your continuing patronage from all of us here at MEANopause™! Our new–

(sorry. Text)

Wait, what? Oh, right, right. Our new motto?

We know what you’re thinking, but we don’t really care!