Summary of Important Changes to Our Privacy Policy

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Summary of Important Changes to Our Privacy Policy

 

As of January 23st, 2015, MEANopause™ has revised its Privacy Policy.

This summary is meant to help you understand how these important changes may affect you in the upcoming months.

Section 1 — Introduction

  • To the paragraph that begins “We recognize that some stories . . . [are] simply too painful and/or embarrassing to tell,” we add the following: “but this has limited our readership and chilled the writing process, so we’re totally going to tell everything from now on, especially if it’s not about us (such as participation in a cult, or how your parents used to call you ‘Cutie Buttons’).”

Section 1.6 — Cell Phone Usage

  • We note that we use automatic scanning technology to detect malware, spam texts, and group communications about upcoming parties and/or street gatherings that may include consumption of substances not approved in our Addendum 4.75JSN.

Section 2.5 — Third-Party Usage

  • After the words “depersonalize plugin impression data,” we include the following: “If you have more than two (‘2’) parties in one (‘1’) weekend, we reserve the right to remove one (‘1’) or both (‘connecting to bathroom’) bedroom door(s).” [see Code FFjlc, “Privacy is a privilege, Anna.”]

Section 3.4 — Cookies

  • If we find cookies in your room, we will eat* them.

*Unless they have gluten.** In which case we will read your journal and/or go through your Google history.

**See attached for list of commercial Cookies that exclude gluten, as well as links to gluten-free cookie recipes.

Section 11ty.1 — Location Data

  • We clarify that we may use your location data for fraud prevention and security purposes, as well as for teenager detection and retrieval and/or verification that you cannot, in fact, stop at the grocery store on your way home because you are at a “meeting.”

C Section — Scars

  • So? Let’s see YOU wear a bikini after you’ve had a couple of them.

Section 5.4 — Your Obligations

  • We deleted this section because it was redundant.

Section 6.9 — Definitions

  • We added the following definition: “Redundant means no longer needed or useful; superfluous.”

Section 6.9.a — More Definitions

  • We added the following definition: “Superfluous means extraneous.”

Section 6.9.a.A — Oh My God Just Look It Up

  • Hint: it means pretty much the same thing as “Redundant,” which means that yes, you are still obligated to turn your clothes right-side-out before putting them in the hamper, as well as to scrape off and rinse all dishes before you put them in the dishwasher.

Section 6.9.a.A — I Can’t Stress This Enough

  • You do not ever — EVER — put your tableware back in the drawer, because I guarantee you will have forgotten that you did, in fact, use your knife to spread butter on your bread, and now I swear to God you have spread butter on all the other knives in the drawer for not the first, not the second, but the third [edited for space considerations].

Section 18005559878 — Sharing Information with Third Parties

  • Okay, so this isn’t really a section. It’s a phone number. Whose phone number is it? We don’t know. We could dial it ourselves and find out, but our new privacy policy dictates that you tell us. Because it looks like one of those chat line numbers from twenty years ago, and we cannot afford to “accidentally” call a long-distance number from twenty years ago unless it’s absolutely necessary, which, thanks to our new privacy policy, it is not.

Section 18005559878.1 — Why are you on a chat line twenty years ago, though?

  • Are you talking about the O.J. Simpson trial, or something?

Section 8 — Housing

  • What you will be applying for if we find out* you lied about whoever it was you called on that number that looks like a chat line number from twenty years ago.

* By calling it. Duh.

Section 11ty1 — Rights to Access, Correct, or Delete Your Information, and Closing Your Account

  • After the words “Ha ha, you make us laugh. LOL. JK!” add the following: “Not.”

Click to ___ Accept or ___ Accept Changes

By clicking “Accept,” you agree to all of the preceding changes, as well as to forgoing arbitration in the event of a dispute and just admitting that I’m right. Again

If you do not click either “Accept” or “Accept,” then MEANopause™ reserves the right to nag you about it until you do.

About Heather Aronson

Heather Aronson is a freelance writer and editor. She earned her MFA in Creative Writing from the University of Arizona way back in the 1980s and has put it to scant use ever since, publishing a few short stories in now-defunct magazines (including American Short Fiction) and storing a handful of novels in now-defunct boxes. She lives in Pittsburgh, PA, in a new house with some of her children, her new husband, and a bunch of old stuff that totally doesn’t go together. Especially the cow creamers.

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