We Are Vain. Luckily, We Are Also Blind.

Phyllis_Diller_Allan_Warren

 

(With apologies to the Talking Heads.)

(And to the estate of Phyllis Diller.)

(And to anyone who has to read this.)

 

I can’t see until I put my face smack

Up to the mirror, where I discover—

ACK!

Not sleeping ‘cause my head’s on fire

Has turned me into something freakish and dire.

 

PHYLLIS DILLER! Qu’est-ce que ce?

Have I put my contacts in the wrong way? Or do I

(dun dun dun dun) really look this way??

Ohh ohh ohhh

PHYLLIS DILLER! Qu’est-ce que ce?

I fu-forgot what I was going to say. Better

um, um, um, umm…go the other way?

 

Oh oh oh OH. Where did I put my shoe?

 

I start a conversation I can’t even–Spinach?

I like it a lot! But I’m not eating anything.

What was I going to say? Oh, I’ll have the veal!

Say something once.

Say something once.

 

PHYLLIS DILLER! What the hey?

Fu-fu-fu-fuck! Are these spots on my face? Better

Buff buff buff buff BUFF buff them all away.

Ohhhh ohhh ohh ohh

PHYLLIS DILLER! Go away!

Why are you haunting my mirror today? I am

Done done done done done looking this way!

 

Oh oh oh nooo! Lie lie lie lie lie yoooouuu.

 

Who says I’m fat?

This scale—ah!

But my ID says–

Voila!

Born in 1974.

Right, Heather. Try twleve years more.

OKAY????

Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah yah

You’re a pain and you’re unkind!

You hate people and you’re not contrite.

 

PHYLLIS DILLER???

That’s my name.

And we’re practically one and the same, now that–

Hon hon hon hon—menopause done came!

Oh no. No.

PHYLLIS DILLER!

Puddin’ Tane?

Ask me again and I’ll tell you the same. Ask you

what? What what what what was I going to say?

Oh oh oh oh, I I I I don’t know.

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About Heather Aronson

Heather Aronson is a freelance writer and editor. She earned her MFA in Creative Writing from the University of Arizona way back in the 1980s and has put it to scant use ever since, publishing a few short stories in now-defunct magazines (including American Short Fiction) and storing a handful of novels in now-defunct boxes. She lives in Pittsburgh, PA, in a new house with some of her children, her new husband, and a bunch of old stuff that totally doesn’t go together. Especially the cow creamers.

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