QUIZ: Which Recent MEANOPAUSE Event Are You?

munchos

Select the best response for each question in order to find out which exciting thing you are that I was too busy to write about over the summer because we were packing and unpacking and repacking and then moving that same stupid barrister bookshelf thingie a million times and I never got a single moment to myself. Good luck!

 

Which Word Best Describes You?

Putrescent

Sclerotic

Convection

Snowbound

Triceratops

Coffeemaker

If

Geography

Fred

 

Pick a Favorite Tree

Apple

Elm. Wait, no: Oak.

I mean, Birch. I think? The one with the leaves, over there?

Family

Joshua, because U2

Christmas

The one that falls in a forest, if you would only listen

Of Life

Giving (you know, that passive/aggressive one in the Shel Silverstein book, who gives you all of the things until it’s practically dead, because you just take and take?)

 

Which of Your Children’s Recent Activities Would Be Your Greatest Source of Pride?

Graduating from high school.

Weathering the loss of all three family pets with grace and strength.

Moving eleventy thousand boxes and that one freakishly heavy couch.

Being mistaken for triplets on a summer college tour.

Helping to outrun tornadoes in Iowa by going “Oh no! Don’t look over there! Oh my God! Just GO!

Starting college.

Celebrating the legal drinking age in Portugal, which, to hear them tell it, is 14 if you’re with your father.

Making sticky rice and mangoes for dessert.

Smuggling in not one, but two boxes of Kinder Surprise chocolate eggs without getting put in airport security jail, unlike some mothers who shall not be named.

 

Choose Your Favorite Seventeenth Century Poet

Donne

Johnson

Don Johnson

Just kidding, he’s not a poet.

He’s that guy from Miami Vice, who used to be married to Melanie Griffith.

Yeah, I can’t come up with any others.

Wait: John Milton. Psych! That’s my brother’s name.

I’ma make up some names now. Guidmon. Lord Frenulum.

Sir Walter Peacock.

 

Choose Your Favorite Potato Chip (and then give it to me)

Munchos

Mmmm, Munchos

Do you have any Munchos?

No, not Cool Ranch Doritos.

Why would you even BUY Cool Ranch Doritos?

And I mean, as opposed to what? A Hot Ranch Dorito? An Uncool Ranch Dorito?

Check again. You probably have Munchos at the back of the cupboard.

Fine, Fritos.

What do you mean, the bag is empty?

I can hear the chips when you shake it, you know.

Give me that bag Right Now. I’m Serious.

Oh great. Just GREAT. Look what you did.

Please. Of course I’m not going to eat Floor Fritos the minute you leave the room.

Just, hurry up and go get the broom, okay?

 

 

Congratulations! You Got: Crazy Italian Tenant Called The Police When You Came for the Inspection on Your New Home.

You are bewildered, and, to be honest, sort of terrified. Because the crazy Italian Tenant is, like, screaming, seriously, and stomping around in the rain in her Uggs and her cute little ski jacket, and even the Pest Control guy looks like he wants to throw up.

 

Next Week: It’s been nearly a year, and I’m still married.

About Heather Aronson

Heather Aronson’s fiction has appeared in American Short Fiction, CRAFT, Farmer's Market, Mid-American Review, MonkeyBicycle, Sonora Review, Story, and Witness. Her stories have been finalists for the 2019 CRAFT Flash Fiction Contest and the 2021 Story Foundation Prize, and her story "The Side of the Road Forever" was the winner of Sonora Review's RAGE fiction contest in 2022. Her story "What You Know" was nominated for The Best Short Fictions 2020. She holds an MFA in Fiction from the University of Arizona and was a Fellow in Fiction at the University of Wisconsin’s Institute for Creative Writing. She lives in Pittsburgh, PA, with her husband and some of their five children.

10 responses to “QUIZ: Which Recent MEANOPAUSE Event Are You?”

  1. Mly says :

    Please keep your posts coming because I enjoy laughing while I’m waiting for my lunch break to get here (already!) while at work.

  2. Susan Balée says :

    Okay, this is pretty hilarious. I too am menopausally demented these days. And peacock obsessed (calling F. O’Connor). Hope to see you and meet you soon, Goodwife Aronson.

    • heatheraronson says :

      Ah, Goodwife Balee (and yeah, I have no idea how to insert the accent mark), I think we have a lot in common. I kept O’Connor’s “Habit of Being” (yeah, I also don’t know how to underline here) by my bedside in graduate school, in case I forgot how to, you know, be. And I once accidentally raised peacocks (and llamas) in Wisconsin, long, long ago. And by “raised” I mean: tried to keep them from crossing the highway and scaring the neighbor’s kid. Can’t wait to meet you, and thanks!

  3. Susan Mamot says :

    We have your Munchos. Deposit the money in the crazy Italian woman’s Uggs and leave them near the line of frantic bugs running for their lives. Your Munchos will be spared.

  4. mbishop2013 says :

    Perfectly, stupendously nonsensical. Which, you know, makes perfect sense. Loved it.

    • heatheraronson says :

      Thanks, Melanie! Oddly enough, “Perfectly, Stupendously Nonsensical” is our official family motto. (Our unofficial motto is “If Only There Were a Device for Looking Up the Answer to That Thing We’re Arguing About.”)

  5. Deanie says :

    When in doubt, I always choose “if” or “Fred”. The whole Munchos reference just made you my favorite person in the world.

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