Scene 5: Queen at the King of Prussia Mall

(In which our future family goes shopping in Philadelphia.)

(to the tune of “Bohemian Rhapsody”)

“Me”:  Is this a good dress?
Does it look fat on me?
If 4’s my pant size
Why the hell is it squashing me?
Nope, that’s too wide.
I can’t be a bride in pleats!
I’m such a short girl, I need no frippery.
And that’s a cheesy cut. I say no!
The hem’s too high, the neck too low.
Anyway you style it, doesn’t really flatter me.  No not me.

The Daughter with Straight Hair: Mama, just buy a dress!
You’ve got but four months or less
Before your wedding’s quite the mess.
The Daughter with Wavy Hair: Mama, shopping’s so much fun!
I hope you don’t just buy one right away!
“Daniel”: Mama, do-oo you
Really mean to let that by?
Maddie just said “less” when she meant “fewer.” Tell me why?
Wavy Hair: That wasn’t I!  “Daniel”: Like that even really matters.

“Jack”:  You’re great, my bride, in some
Short shift or whatchacallit.
Doesn’t matter; here’s my wallet.
Goodbye everybody, I’ve got to go.
Gotta eat and maybe even buy some shoes.
“Daniel”: Mama, I’ll go too. Actual Ghost: (Anyway, this store blows)
Straight Hair: I don’t want to whine
But I sometimes wish we’d never brought them to the mall.

Actual Ghost: *killer guitar solo*

Bitchy Clerk: I see you in the silhouette of a man.
Buy a tux!  It’s so lux!  You will look like Dan Craig-o!
Other Clerk: Dunderhead, she’s curvy.  Very very curvy! “Me”: Me?
Bitchy Clerk: Like a fellow.  Other Clerk: Like a cello!
Bitchy Clerk: Like a fellow!  Other Clerk: Like a cello!
Bitchy Clerk: Like a fellow who has boobs.  Straight Hair: You’re such a nudge! Actual Ghost: (Stooge stooge stooge stooge.)

“Me”: I’m just a short girl, no one can fit me.
Bitchy Clerk: She’s just a short girl, from a short family.
Send her to Suits; better still: to Petites.
Other Clerk: Here’s a pink; here’s chartruese. We just need to find some hues–
Bitchy Clerk: Priscilla! No! We should just let her go. Other Clerk: –like black or indigo.
Bitchy Clerk: Priscilla! Other Clerk: Or charcoal or cocoa. Bitchy Clerk: But not like driven snow?
Other Clerk: Vanilla? No! ‘Cause she said white’s no go.
Bitchy Clerk: Well how ’bout calico? Other Clerk: Or something with a bow?
“Me”: Heather, Heather, why’d you ever– Wavy: Never! Straight: Ever!
Actual Ghost: (never never will not ever come on girls let’s go)
Both Girls: Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!
Straight: Oh mama see, a– Wavy: Mama see, a– Both: Oh mama see, a blue lace frock!
Bitchy Clerk: The gals in Suits have a yellow put aside for thee!
“Me”: For me?
Both Girls: Ai-yeeee!

Actual Ghost: *most excellent guitar solo*

Exposition Fairy: So you see she’s been shopping and it’s nearly July
So you see she’s been shopping but has yet to buy-uy-uy!
Wavy: Oh Lady!  Sell the blue to her, Lady!
Straight: ‘Cause it looks kinda cute. And that yellow suit looks like pee.

Actual Ghost/Exposition Fairy/Clerks: *guitar/piano/drums*

Wavy: Ooh yeah  Straight: Ooh yeah  Actual Ghost: (ooooh ooooh oooooh)
“Me”: This thing sort of flatters–
As far as I can see–
This thing sort of flatters–it kind of sort of flatters

me.

Exposition Fairy: *mournful piano solo*

Actual Ghost: (But the way you’ve changed this song blows…) 

*gong*