So I got a letter from Neiman Marcus yesterday.  I know what you’re thinking (because, if my WordPress Stats mean anything, they mean that “you” are pretty much just “me,” checking in from different computers to see whether anyone has read my blog).  You’re thinking: But you haven’t been to Neiman Marcus since the Reagan Administration!

And now you’re thinking: Wait, what?  When was the Reagan Administration?

Silly “you,” the Reagan Administration was when you were in college, drinking so much nickel beer that you are no longer able to remember that one road trip to Chicago you took with your roommate, “Renée” (which is totally not her real name, since she doesn’t use an accent mark). 

Would it help if I remind you that even though you were dirt poor—no, poorer than dirt poor: silt at the bottom of a turtle tank poor–you went into Neiman Marcus and bought exactly one thing there, and that it was probably the least flattering piece of clothing you have ever owned?  YES, that’s right: that stupid teal-colored Ralph Lauren Polo shirt, with the polo player stitched in red over what the shirt made appear to be your lumpen, pudgy breast.

The shirt that, in a different color, made “Renée” look tall and willowy and somehow simultaneously preppy and punk, while it mostly made you look like a golfer.

Ohhh.  That Reagan Administration.

Well, but anyway, you’re wrong: you have been to Neiman Marcus since.  In fact, you were there just this past summer, shopping with your daughters for—wait for it—your fabled blue wedding dress.

I know, I know.  It’s okay that you forgot; it’s not like we haven’t been not quite talking about it since October or something.

And besides, it’s not like you ended up paying for it anyway, since your soon-to-be-in-laws reimbursed you for it that night, because they felt bad that you had no parents of your own to buy you a wedding dress.

And besides besides, it’s not like you ended up wearing it.  Though that’s a story for another time.  Tomorrow, I promise.  We’ll talk about the blue dress tomorrow.

So, but here’s the thing: buying a dress that you don’t end up wearing can not only provide you with months of material to not write about, but it can also wind up embroiling you in credit card theft!  How cool is that?  Now, you not only have the Polar Vortex in common with all the other people on Facebook, but you could also discuss Russian hackers and changed pin numbers and all the other fun stuff that normally leaves you feeling so memeless in a social network world!

Even though your Neiman Marcus credit card doesn’t actually appear to have been hacked.

Mostly because you don’t have a Neiman Marcus credit card.

But like they say on Facebook, Keep Calm and Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff On!  #ThanksObama:( #WhichRussianCreditCardHackerRUTakeTheQuiz!#HereIsAPictureOfFoodIWouldBuyIfIHadn’tBeenHacked #IWouldLoveToLookAtThePuppyKittyFunnyBirdSurfingOnARoofOoohPenguinsFallingDownButICan’tBecauseHackedCreditCard