This summary is meant to help you understand how these important changes may affect you in the upcoming months.
Section 1 — Introduction
- To the paragraph that begins “We recognize that some stories . . . [are] simply too painful and/or embarrassing to tell,” we add the following: “but this has limited our readership and chilled the writing process, so we’re totally going to tell everything from now on, especially if it’s not about us (such as participation in a cult, or how your parents used to call you ‘Cutie Buttons’).”
Section 1.6 — Cell Phone Usage
- We note that we use automatic scanning technology to detect malware, spam texts, and group communications about upcoming parties and/or street gatherings that may include consumption of substances not approved in our Addendum 4.75JSN.
Section 2.5 — Third-Party Usage
- After the words “depersonalize plugin impression data,” we include the following: “If you have more than two (‘2’) parties in one (‘1’) weekend, we reserve the right to remove one (‘1’) or both (‘connecting to bathroom’) bedroom door(s).” [see Code FFjlc, “Privacy is a privilege, Anna.”]
Section 3.4 — Cookies
- If we find cookies in your room, we will eat* them.
*Unless they have gluten.** In which case we will read your journal and/or go through your Google history.
**See attached for list of commercial Cookies that exclude gluten, as well as links to gluten-free cookie recipes.
Section 11ty.1 — Location Data
- We clarify that we may use your location data for fraud prevention and security purposes, as well as for teenager detection and retrieval and/or verification that you cannot, in fact, stop at the grocery store on your way home because you are at a “meeting.”
C Section — Scars
- So? Let’s see YOU wear a bikini after you’ve had a couple of them.
Section 5.4 — Your Obligations
- We deleted this section because it was redundant.
Section 6.9 — Definitions
- We added the following definition: “Redundant means no longer needed or useful; superfluous.”
Section 6.9.a — More Definitions
- We added the following definition: “Superfluous means extraneous.”
Section 6.9.a.A — Oh My God Just Look It Up
- Hint: it means pretty much the same thing as “Redundant,” which means that yes, you are still obligated to turn your clothes right-side-out before putting them in the hamper, as well as to scrape off and rinse all dishes before you put them in the dishwasher.
Section 6.9.a.A — I Can’t Stress This Enough
- You do not ever — EVER — put your tableware back in the drawer, because I guarantee you will have forgotten that you did, in fact, use your knife to spread butter on your bread, and now I swear to God you have spread butter on all the other knives in the drawer for not the first, not the second, but the third [edited for space considerations].
Section 18005559878 — Sharing Information with Third Parties
Section 18005559878.1 — Why are you on a chat line twenty years ago, though?
- Are you talking about the O.J. Simpson trial, or something?
Section 8 — Housing
- What you will be applying for if we find out* you lied about whoever it was you called on that number that looks like a chat line number from twenty years ago.
* By calling it. Duh.
Section 11ty1 — Rights to Access, Correct, or Delete Your Information, and Closing Your Account
- After the words “Ha ha, you make us laugh. LOL. JK!” add the following: “Not.”
Click to ___ Accept or ___ Accept Changes
By clicking “Accept,” you agree to all of the preceding changes, as well as to forgoing arbitration in the event of a dispute and just admitting that I’m right. Again
If you do not click either “Accept” or “Accept,” then MEANopause™ reserves the right to nag you about it until you do.
Hello and Happy New Year from the corporate offices of Meanopause™, here on the icy banks of the River of Trucks that are Always Blocking my Driveway!
We hope you’ve had a very happy holiday, and that you weren’t too inconvenienced by our recent outages. We’ll be up and running weekly again by the end of the month, but first we wanted to tell you about some exciting new changes we’ll be rolling out at Meanopause™ in 2015, including the following:
–the purchase of our seventh (7th!) couch (we’re thinking fuchsia, or maybe magenta);
–some restructuring of personnel (I’m lookin’ at you, Expo Fairy, along with whoever it was who left half a muffin in the giant tupperware container on the counter);
–a shift in product focus from wedding dress to college applications;
–and, best of all, the opening of a brand-new franchise outlet on Tumblerrr (Tumbllr? Tumbrrr?), along with a brand-new emphasis on youth culture and all it entails (including a switch from R.E.M. to Taylor Swift songs for our hold music)!
That’s right, bitchez, Meanopause is shifting from freak to fleak (or maybe fleek? Our intern is taking an Algebra final, so we’re not really sure)!
What does this mean for you, our “audience”?
First of all, over the next few weeks, you can expect to see up to 50% less rhyming, as well as the complete elimination of dairy milk in our chocolate coating!
Also, we’ve gone paperless–
(Text. Sorry. Hang on.)
Anyway, so: also, we’ve gone paperless! In the bathroom! So you’re probably gonna wanna swing by Target before you visit the corporate office (and maybe pick up some Conversation Hearts or something, because the Christmas ribbon candy is all fused to the Hanukkah plate).
In addition, there will be sweeping changes to our shotgun policy, which will shift from a “turn” system to more of a meritocracy, in that it will reward best hair or outfit days.
We have created a list of words and phrases that are no longer acceptable in the workplace, including “chores,” “smoochy-smoochy,” and “where are my keys,” and will soon be instituting a cost-of-living increase to our allowance that more accurately reflects the price of thrice-weekly bubble teas and pumpkin lattes.
Finally, we’ll be tweaking our logo so that it is more in keeping with our youthful image.
Thanks for your continuing patronage from all of us here at MEANopause™! Our new–
Wait, what? Oh, right, right. Our new motto?
We know what you’re thinking, but we don’t really care!